Pssst!! Hey, you.....
I read a quote by Charles Futrell somewhere. Maybe it was in a schoolbook in one of my marketing
classes, I don’t know. Anyway, it goes
like this:
“In conversation, keep in mind that you are more interested
in what you have to say than anyone else is.”
I probably would have said it more like this, “Hey moron! No
wants to hear what you have to say more than you do….moron.” But then, I’m an asshat like that sometimes. Mr. Futrell is
probably a whole lot kinder and gentler.
Anyway, I guess the point is this; we have all sorts of
communication problems, like rambling on aimlessly, all the while clueless that
our perceived audience has tuned out, and mentally wandered off in pursuit of more interesting
entertainment.
Actually the "problems" are more
like defects. These
communication defects often keep us from ever really connecting on a deeper
level than just “how ‘bout dem Cowboys?!” or “Doesn’t this rain suck?!?”
Not that I necessarily want
to connect on a deeper level but it sounds Zen-ish and cool.
Communication defects like fingerprints, are unique to each
individual but have common qualities.
I
don’t know how accurate that is or if it’s even useful information. I’m not a
psychiatrist, and this isn’t a self-help article so if you want something accurate
and useful, go somewhere else.
I’m just sharing my 2¢ worth of observations about my own
communication defects……glaringly obvious defects.
The first, and biggest communication defect I have is a
total lack of empathy for other
people. (see the “hey moron” comment above) Usually I couldn’t care less (or could barely
care less) what anyone has to say so I “listen” with only a small portion of
one frontal lobe engaged…..or whatever the communication part of the brain
is.
There are times when I do care like when my boss says, “Hey!
Good job, I’m giving you a raise.” I
have a LOT of interest in that kind of communication. My whole brain instantly becomes engaged,
thinking of how I’m going to spend the money, whether I can now afford to begin
living a little, whether I can now save enough to finally say “stick it!” to
the man, etc… So at times like that I am really empathetic to what he has to say, I'm just not listening anymore.
But when someone says, “I’m really stressed about…..(fill in
the blank).” I kind of give them that
vacant stare. My brain begins this internal buzz-humming thing. Pithy rejoinders begin vying for my tongue. Things like, "Hey, don't sweat it. Everything happens for a reason." Crap like that.
What I’d really like to do is immediately
reply with a loud, “Yeah, so what?!" maybe with a "moron" thrown it for punctuation (I like punctuation) but I usually don't do that.
What I do is enter the little hideout inside my head and start
thinking about “dem Cowboys” or my motorcycle project, or my on-again-off-again middle-aged crush on P!nk.
I really need to work on that whole empathy thing......soon maybe.
The second biggest defect I have in communication is a short attention span. I just can’t maintain a high level of
engagement for more than a minute or two……usually a minute at the most.
Seriously, if you are going to make a point, make it! I’ve got better things to think about.
Well, at least I have more interesting things
to think about, like…..almost anything.
I mean, if I am thinking about it it’s because I obviously think it’s interesting,
or I have to think about it; like work…. or something mind-numbing like
that.
Of course I usually do my work while thinking about other
things anyway. That explains why my career hasn’t rocketed to the top of the
corporate world. I can’t find much
enthusiasm thinking about the stuff that goes into earning my paycheck. (there goes that raise)
Wait, what was I talking about?? Oh yeah, a “short attention span” and its’
detrimental impact on (real) communication.
That’s number two I suppose.
Right up there near the top of my communication defect list
is my tendency toward didactic
blathering in everything I say. Yeah,
I’m an asshat and always think I know more about whatever subject is coming out
of my mouth than most other people. The
truth is, I can be a pedantic fool.
The other day my daughter told me that this barista dude in
the Starbucks drive through asked her what kind of car she was driving. She told him, and he proceeded to tell her
that her serpentine belt was squealing and needed more tension or needed to be
replaced. In a rather pedantic tone of
voice, he asked her if she “ever looked at the engine. There are things that
need to be checked you know.”
He droned on about things he obviously thought he knew a great deal
about……….like auto mechanics. His
expansive knowledge about serpentine belts is probably why he works at
Starbucks. Manning the drive through
gives him ample opportunity to expound the virtues of proper belt tension and
general auto maintenance to hapless patrons.
What I can’t figure out is how such an erudite auto guru
could have failed to recognize that a ’93 Accord doesn’t have a serpentine
belt. And you know what else Starbucks
dude? My daughter changes her own oil
and performs other maintenance checks and services.
And, honestly, I’ve tasted your coffee, I’m pretty sure she could
do that better as well.
But truth be told, I see a lot of myself in the egotistical
barista-cum-armchair auto mechanic. I read an article or two about
something and I get all full of myself.
I start dragging my soapbox everywhere so I can metaphorically jump up on
it and spout my knowledge to the universe.
I tend to think everyone should benefit from what I have to say so I go
all preachy and stuff like Mr. Starbucks.
By the way, it was the van in line behind her that had the
noisy belt …….. or squealing pig in the back seat or something.
Lastly, I tend to drone
on and on. Yeah it’s true, you’ve
probably already noticed.
For someone with a short attention span, I can get pretty
damned long-winded myself. It’s probably
because (like that Starbucks dude) I think I have important things to say, and
the world should stop spinning for as long as it takes to say them.
Now, I’m not as bad as someone (un-named person) who takes
four hours to give a synopsis of a two hour movie; or my boss who leaves voice
mails (who leaves those anymore??) that go on and on till the phone company
cuts him off because they’re losing money.
But I can be rather verbose.
Along with the droning on and on, come the rabbit trails. I can wander all over the conversational map and leave a web of rabbit trails that would confuse the most persistent investigative reporter. Hey, wait a minute, is that what I'm doing now? Sheesh.
I suppose the moral of the story is; don’t deceive yourself
into thinking you’re a blazing genius of verbal repartee. It’s possible to be blind to your own
communication defects and leave people even more confused (pissed off, ignorant, etc...) when you finally shut up. Take some time to think about your communication defects and FIX THEM!!
George Bernard Shaw said it very well (and succinctly) when
he stated that “the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion
that it has taken place.”
Let’s expose ourselves
(metaphorically of course) and have some real Zen style connection.
Or not.
